I sit here on my sofa in a place that still, over a year later doesn't feel one bit like home! I've always struggled with change and moving... although I think most of us do if we are honest with ourselves. But this move in particular has been so testing, so different and so very painful! I think back to my initial move to America from Ireland all those years ago... I still can't believe it's been 6 years. I remember that sinking feeling I had as I packed up my entire 17 years of life, leaving behind some wonderful friends but also some painful memories... the family on my Mum's side whom I'd grown up with would no longer be the faces I saw every Saturday, no more Saturday morning ulster frys at my Granny + Granda's. No more trips to the bakery and fruit stands in Belfast with Granny + Granda. I remember the fear and sadness I had that day stepping onto the plane, knowing that was it. That part of my life and childhood was finished. It was time for a brand new start in a huge place, filled with endless opportunities! I probably should have been more excited and grateful for that but I was young and confused.
Those first few months were so difficult... for the whole family. Each of us were facing battles through this move in such different ways. I missed home a lot... I missed my friends so much, they had been a huge part of my life. Now I had to merge into a new and very different culture.
When I went to Creation music festival that year (2010) with my cousin Holly and her fiance and friend I was dreading it. I had been hurt in some very real ways that nobody was aware of, I had been emotionally drained and was spiritually DEAD! I had no purpose, no hope. But that week, 1 week after our move to America, I met Jesus again in a brand new way... I met him in a very real, forgiving way and I left that christian music festival changed! So thankful for that! Also so very thankful for Peter's Godly influence on me and his very dear, special friendship after meeting him that week!
So many 'new' hurdles faced that year. That was the last time I remember struggling so much with 'life'. But this move has come pretty close to that!
I know many of you have heard the story about our move to NC and why it happened. Long story short, we felt that God was moving us on and doors really opened up in NC at the time... we felt this was where God was calling us (still do) and financially we needed the change. Many of you also know that from the first few months living here we were faced with some mega trials... financially, job wise, apartment wise etc... a lot of what we moved from.
I was in a minor car accident my 2nd month living here and that really shook me up- it was very minor and I was not hurt at all, just had a lot of struggles from it with anxiety and what felt like depression at times. We really learned to rely on God more than we ever had before, I prayed harder and more than I ever had before in my life, I filled my mind with scripture and worshipped like I never had... it was all I could do. I have never really felt so utterly overwhelmed before that I've simply fallen at Jesus feet, begging for change and comfort. I've done that an awful lot since our move.
We have struggled to really make friends here... this place is such a big place and most people are either 'too full' on their friends list or they want your friendship for business related reasons... we have experienced both of these a lot and for me personally that's been one of my toughest struggles. I adore good friendships and really seek that! I love fellowship and the idea of 'doing' life completely with a group of ladies who are facing the same things or who have gone through things before. I wish more people could picture themselves in a situation away from family and in a brand new place knowing nobody.
That aside, the past few months have been some of the most testing, 'dark' times Peter and I have ever faced together as husband and wife! We have both been working more than we have in a while, especially poor pete... this is a change for us. We are used to being able to control our work times and schedules more but this past few months have just been a mess and it was so hard not to just 'allow' ourselves to be passing ships in the night. I think far too many couples 'settle' for this and it's a dangerous, slippery slope. Peter lost his childhood best friend who he has known his entire life a couple weeks ago. This has been so very difficult for him and it's been so painful watching him struggle with this and to feel so isolated from his family and friends back in NY (where his friend was from). This brought back some very beautiful but also very painful memories of his Mother, Mary (Mrs M- Mama M) we both struggled so much more with this. Trying to understand as a wife how to comfort him while he mourns the death of his Mother and now his close friend all before he turns 25 has been so hard. Prayer has for sure been my biggest help! Sometimes all we can do is hold someone close, sit close by them and just pray for them! I also struggled with missing his Mother... we often talked about my 'future' wedding plans and I adored our conversations about life and crafts! I miss her a lot and will always be so deeply sad for Peter and that he couldn't have experienced more with her! More recently, Peter had an injury at work which sucked our emergency fund away just this week... I also just lost my job. All 1 week almost exactly before my 24th birthday! To say we are overwhelmed and confused is an understatement!
What is interesting is how we have changed even just in the past year regarding how we handle these situations. It feels like it's been pouring with rain since we moved here but we are learning how to rise above these crazy storms better each time. We both chatted together tonight about it all and whilst we are in utter shock and fear about the next step we rest assured that God is here. As simple as that. God is here and God is with us. He has a plan and what we think we need may not be what we need right now. We feel we have gotten so much closer as husband and wife this year in ways that are kind of unexplainable! That's a gift and a blessing I will forever be grateful for. He has truly become my person, my best friend! God has revealed himself to us in new, beautiful ways that are helping us 'deal' with this season and that's just it... it's a season. It's been an incredibly long, dark, scary season filled with pain and grief but we are hopeful that as sure as the seasons are to change, so is this season and we are ready for that!
To conclude this long post, we ask for your prayer, we also ask for you to respect our privacy and to not pry on the issues mentioned above. We are okay but really struggling and would appreciate encouragement and prayer as we continue to be the best we can for each other and God! Thank you!
Bethany Joy xo
(below is a song that has been very dear to my heart)
"Hide me now
Under Your wings
Cover me
Within Your mighty hand
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father, You are King over the flood
I will be still and know You are God
Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father, You are King over the flood
I will be still and know You are God
Your Joy Oh lord
will be my strength,
Renouncing fear
We stand in your glorious grace.
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father, You are King over the flood
I will be still and know You are God"