Our year in review below:
This year brought about many hardships... We began our year with more advanced fertility treatments because the medication alone wasn't enough. I clearly remember being at my sister's last New Years Eve trying desperately not to cry or enter a new year with negativity but it was hard! It had been almost two years of us trying to start our own family. Month after month of negative pregnancy tests, medications that made me feel crazy and even more unhappy, bills galore from our reproductive specialist and we quite simply had a hard time facing the start of 2019 in fear it would be as painful as 2018 had been. I held onto that tiny bit of hope that we had 12 months of hope and trying and treatment that would maybe get us our baby finally.
At the end of January we had our first and very expensive IUI. We had planned to wait until Feb but it worked out we could go for it sooner. It was a lot! Injections, more medications, more injections... timed everything! It was horrible, yet we had such hope that this would be our month, maybe this was what my body needed to conceive. Pete had a ton of work trips that month throughout the whole process and had to drive hours back and forth to make it to the actual procedure itself. It was taxing and draining for us both but we really felt it was right. Before the procedure, everything went from not looking great to looking ideal for a successful procedure.
The week leading up to our results, Pete was in Chicago for training and I was on my own at home, counting down the 2 week wait when we would hopefully get the good news. I felt like my body had done it, i had a ton of symptoms and just had such a peace about the whole wait. But I was wrong... and the night I realized it had failed was a night I will never forget. I remember laying on the floor in the landing upstairs in hysterics. I could barely catch my breath from crying so much. Peter was so far away and wouldn't be back for days and I felt utterly helpless. I felt broken, used, yucky and like the biggest failure. How could I have been so stupid thinking it had worked?! The next few days were incredibly hard to get out of bed and face. I ended up facetiming Peter the next day because I needed to grieve this with him. I won't forget his face. We both had felt it had worked. All the injections and medicines but still my body couldn't do it! How could we have hope now? What an introduction to 2019 I thought.
The next month our RE suggested we do the same protocol because my egg quality wasn't the greatest and I was still having trouble ovulating on my own. We simply could not afford it which broke my heart. So we settled for a few medicated cycles which of course... failed.
In June we went to Ireland and Scotland with two of our good friends and I tried my best to put it all behind me. I had just quit an extra job I had picked up only a month before to get IVF coverage for our next step in the fall but couldn't mentally cope. The pressure and stress was too much and I felt I was going to have a breakdown so I quit and off we went on our vacation.
I remember my friend and I chatting about this struggle and in one of our devotions we had read about God not just preparing a baby for us but he is preparing THEE baby for us. Every single event, birthday, friend, triumph was all known by God and he is preparing a specific child for us in a way that would align with God's will for he/she's life. This really stood out to me- I had never thought of it that way. I held onto that as we went on our trip.
the trip was wonderful but also filled with a lot of sadness. I had hoped to be with my baby, showing them off to my Grnanny and family, taking them to all my favorite spots but I wasn't. I had so many meltdowns on that trip (Poor patient Pete). I was so distraught that we'd be going back to America soon to such darkness and financial stress as we started the process for IVF.
We got back to America and I immediately started researching IVF successes, looking for a doctor who specialized in endometriosis feeling convinced that was another thing prohibiting me from conceiving on my own... Literally the day after we got home I realized my period hadn't come and was quite late. I was never like clockwork so never thought anything of it but figured I might as well test to prove to myself I wasn't pregnant.
I was wrong... That night I saw my first ever positive pregnancy test after 2.5 years of waiting and praying for our baby. I remember thinking it must have been a false positive so Peter and I drove to the store and bought a bunch of pregnancy tests, digital too... we probably looked mad!! Went back and tested them all and sure enough, I was pregnant. We even got the one that said pregnant or not pregnant and the yes or no one... we had to be sure!!
I drove to my sisters that night to share with her because I couldn't contain myself, crying the entire way to her house. I will never ever forget that sweet night. We were in shock! How could this have happened.
The next day, I called my fertility clinic and they insisted I come in for blood work. The next day I went in and got the call that my hCG levels were super high and that judging by the numbers must be at least a few weeks along. I scheduled my first ultrasound with them and 2 days later went in and saw the teeniest floating blob IN MY WOMB.... I was 5 weeks pregnant with my miracle baby. I had been pregnant in Ireland without even knowing it. God orchestrated everything perfectly.
Here i am almost 33 weeks pregnant with my sweet baby boy and I am in such awe of God and his faithfulness over the years. I am so glad to be on the other side of infertility but will never and can never forget what it took to get us here. Every hurdle brought us closer to our angel baby and for that I will be thankful.
Infertility taught me new ways to trust God, brought me closer to him and grew Peter and I in new ways! This was THEE baby that God was preparing for us. He is ours and I can't believe he will be here in 8 weeks.
Infertility has left behind many scars, bills and a heck of a lot of anxiety. My first trimester was filled with more tears and panic attacks than joy in fear it was too good to be true. I have finally been able to experience utter joy the past trimester and so far in this one. I never let go of that hope or my faith in God... sure it was tested but I never let go of him!! We never stopped chasing our miracle baby and I am so glad we didn't.
Going into 2020 for me this year is going to look completely different than it did last year... it is filled with new adventure and JOY that I never ever thought I would be able to experience through the years of waiting. Last year my word for the year was PEACE... I desperately needed to seek peace from God in the wait. My new word going into 2020 is JOY!! Of course we will be overjoyed with our new baby in February, but there will be hardships too. So much adjustment and a new way to live. My hope is I will remember to find the JOY in everything. The good, the bad, the challenges that might come my way.
To those who are entering the new year like I did the past couple years, please know I know your pain SO DEEPLY!!! It's so hard waiting for your baby or anything else you may be struggling with. Maybe it's entering a new year without a loved one. It may feel like there is no end in sight, that theres no more hope left for 2020 already but please don't give up!!! You honestly never know when life could turn around, when what your praying for will be answered. I am praying you can all learn to find a sense of peace and joy in 2020 whatever it brings you!!!!
I have attached the announcement video below we had of our baby here incase you missed it!!!!
At the end of January we had our first and very expensive IUI. We had planned to wait until Feb but it worked out we could go for it sooner. It was a lot! Injections, more medications, more injections... timed everything! It was horrible, yet we had such hope that this would be our month, maybe this was what my body needed to conceive. Pete had a ton of work trips that month throughout the whole process and had to drive hours back and forth to make it to the actual procedure itself. It was taxing and draining for us both but we really felt it was right. Before the procedure, everything went from not looking great to looking ideal for a successful procedure.
The week leading up to our results, Pete was in Chicago for training and I was on my own at home, counting down the 2 week wait when we would hopefully get the good news. I felt like my body had done it, i had a ton of symptoms and just had such a peace about the whole wait. But I was wrong... and the night I realized it had failed was a night I will never forget. I remember laying on the floor in the landing upstairs in hysterics. I could barely catch my breath from crying so much. Peter was so far away and wouldn't be back for days and I felt utterly helpless. I felt broken, used, yucky and like the biggest failure. How could I have been so stupid thinking it had worked?! The next few days were incredibly hard to get out of bed and face. I ended up facetiming Peter the next day because I needed to grieve this with him. I won't forget his face. We both had felt it had worked. All the injections and medicines but still my body couldn't do it! How could we have hope now? What an introduction to 2019 I thought.
The next month our RE suggested we do the same protocol because my egg quality wasn't the greatest and I was still having trouble ovulating on my own. We simply could not afford it which broke my heart. So we settled for a few medicated cycles which of course... failed.
In June we went to Ireland and Scotland with two of our good friends and I tried my best to put it all behind me. I had just quit an extra job I had picked up only a month before to get IVF coverage for our next step in the fall but couldn't mentally cope. The pressure and stress was too much and I felt I was going to have a breakdown so I quit and off we went on our vacation.
I remember my friend and I chatting about this struggle and in one of our devotions we had read about God not just preparing a baby for us but he is preparing THEE baby for us. Every single event, birthday, friend, triumph was all known by God and he is preparing a specific child for us in a way that would align with God's will for he/she's life. This really stood out to me- I had never thought of it that way. I held onto that as we went on our trip.
the trip was wonderful but also filled with a lot of sadness. I had hoped to be with my baby, showing them off to my Grnanny and family, taking them to all my favorite spots but I wasn't. I had so many meltdowns on that trip (Poor patient Pete). I was so distraught that we'd be going back to America soon to such darkness and financial stress as we started the process for IVF.
We got back to America and I immediately started researching IVF successes, looking for a doctor who specialized in endometriosis feeling convinced that was another thing prohibiting me from conceiving on my own... Literally the day after we got home I realized my period hadn't come and was quite late. I was never like clockwork so never thought anything of it but figured I might as well test to prove to myself I wasn't pregnant.
I was wrong... That night I saw my first ever positive pregnancy test after 2.5 years of waiting and praying for our baby. I remember thinking it must have been a false positive so Peter and I drove to the store and bought a bunch of pregnancy tests, digital too... we probably looked mad!! Went back and tested them all and sure enough, I was pregnant. We even got the one that said pregnant or not pregnant and the yes or no one... we had to be sure!!
I drove to my sisters that night to share with her because I couldn't contain myself, crying the entire way to her house. I will never ever forget that sweet night. We were in shock! How could this have happened.
The next day, I called my fertility clinic and they insisted I come in for blood work. The next day I went in and got the call that my hCG levels were super high and that judging by the numbers must be at least a few weeks along. I scheduled my first ultrasound with them and 2 days later went in and saw the teeniest floating blob IN MY WOMB.... I was 5 weeks pregnant with my miracle baby. I had been pregnant in Ireland without even knowing it. God orchestrated everything perfectly.
Here i am almost 33 weeks pregnant with my sweet baby boy and I am in such awe of God and his faithfulness over the years. I am so glad to be on the other side of infertility but will never and can never forget what it took to get us here. Every hurdle brought us closer to our angel baby and for that I will be thankful.
Infertility taught me new ways to trust God, brought me closer to him and grew Peter and I in new ways! This was THEE baby that God was preparing for us. He is ours and I can't believe he will be here in 8 weeks.
Infertility has left behind many scars, bills and a heck of a lot of anxiety. My first trimester was filled with more tears and panic attacks than joy in fear it was too good to be true. I have finally been able to experience utter joy the past trimester and so far in this one. I never let go of that hope or my faith in God... sure it was tested but I never let go of him!! We never stopped chasing our miracle baby and I am so glad we didn't.
Going into 2020 for me this year is going to look completely different than it did last year... it is filled with new adventure and JOY that I never ever thought I would be able to experience through the years of waiting. Last year my word for the year was PEACE... I desperately needed to seek peace from God in the wait. My new word going into 2020 is JOY!! Of course we will be overjoyed with our new baby in February, but there will be hardships too. So much adjustment and a new way to live. My hope is I will remember to find the JOY in everything. The good, the bad, the challenges that might come my way.
To those who are entering the new year like I did the past couple years, please know I know your pain SO DEEPLY!!! It's so hard waiting for your baby or anything else you may be struggling with. Maybe it's entering a new year without a loved one. It may feel like there is no end in sight, that theres no more hope left for 2020 already but please don't give up!!! You honestly never know when life could turn around, when what your praying for will be answered. I am praying you can all learn to find a sense of peace and joy in 2020 whatever it brings you!!!!
I have attached the announcement video below we had of our baby here incase you missed it!!!!
Much love,
Bethany JoY xo
Bethany JoY xo