Have you ever done something you really believed was what God wanted you to do only to find yourself feeling.... wrong. Feeling like there must have been a mistake, wishing you could change the now more than ever, having whizzing thoughts like 'Did Jesus really mean to speak to me?', 'Maybe I heard wrong?' 'I can't do this!' That last one is one of my favorites I am sad to say. How much easier is it for us to say we can't, instead of I can!
I sit here sitting at my dining room table... in my unfamiliar dining room with an unfamiliar view of building I dont know how to call home yet, missing people more painfully than I thought I could... Wishing I was somewhere else, unable to enjoy my now... The JOY I had seems to be so lost and future uncertain. I don't know about you but my reaction to things that I dont understand or feel uncomfortable about is to RUN... shut down, flee the situation, the house and sometimes the entire state... Sometimes nothing seems sweeter to me than to completely remove myself from a place or a situation. It seems to be my way to escape my own insecurities, my own guilt, my fears and just RUN into my Father God's arms. He takes me and he gives me that squeeze that I needed, he calms my heart like no other and when I run and find him I find myself filled up with his love and grace like I never have before, each time.
"When darkness seems to hide his face,
I rest on his unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale.
My anchor holds within the veil."
Have you ever had those encounters with him where you could almost see yourself with him... The moment feel so real and so good and so filled with his presence that you wonder how you ever had a doubt that he was in control?
Around 6 months ago, Pete and I started to have struggles. Financially, spiritually and emotionally. It affected our marriage like a poison and the sad thing is we let it for a while instead of taking it all to God in prayer together. We kept pushing away what God had planned for our lives because 'it just wasnt the right timing for us, we wanted to make it work on our own' but honestly who are we kidding?! How people do marriage without God being center is utterly beyond me... I really don't get it, or the point of it without him. I have been blessed with a husband who truly wants to seek God and chose to let God take over his life and be in control always. We chose from the very start to make God our ONE and seek him together and even with that it's been difficult. Marriage has pushed us both in ways that were painful but it also has grown us in ways we never knew we could grow.
Marriage is teaching me that I am not the only one that matters anymore, marriage is teaching me what GRACE looks like in real life. Marriage is teaching me what forgiveness looks like and how to LOVE unconditionally. Marriage is teaching us that it's NOT as easy as we thought it would be. We have learned that marriage is something you must constantly work really really hard for.
Now some of you may be thinking, "she's weird, I LOVE my marriage and there is not one thing I would change." If so.... AWESOME! That is great! but it won't always be like that so please listen. Some of you like me have not experienced constant happiness and joy all the time. We have had many struggles since we got married. I have struggled with feeling so alone with stuff and beat myself up by looking at social media at these 'perfect lives' that are on display thinking to myself 'what did or are we doing wrong?' God stopped me and said look in front of you... who is standing here everyday beside you with a listening ear every time, whether he understands or takes in every single thing i say or not... he is there willing and able to listen. Who lies beside me EVERY SINGLE night still even at 2am willing and ready to listen to my many ideas and talks, willing to give me that perfect squeeze I need when life at 2am seems unbearable, when the struggles and grief of life is too much? Who is there fighting back with me, demanding we keep working at this gift God has given us? Who chooses to watch t.v shows he does not enjoy with me or jumps in the car with me to go to the shop or post office just because he knows my love language is "Quality Time". Who does those dirty dishes that sit in the sink after I make a huge meal even though he is tired from work? Who randomly tells me he likes my outfit and thinks i looks really pretty on a random day? Who is willing to fight for this marriage and encourages me to not give up on things? Who is fighting and yearning for our marriage to remain God-centered always... MY HUSBAND! That guy who I get mad at for no reason, the one i snap at because 'i can' the one I get cross at for not doing dishes sometimes or not taking the trash out before it smells.
I forget to take the sweetness and God-like love he gives me every single day and has since I started dating him. The fact that we share in our morals and decisions! He wants to be better for God and he wants me to become better.
He is amazing and i do not give him enough credit!
I look at where I am today... all the fear and loneliness I feel right here, right now sitting here wanting so much to live 5 minutes from my parents so I could just spend time with them, wishing I could just call up my sweet mother in law who i miss so dearly, wishing I had friendships local here, wishing I could be a part of a small group, longing to belong to a church, wishing I could host bible studys in my home. Wishing I could have a family but also knowing it's not the right time. So much of everything. My passions, my concerns, my hopes and my future. I struggle right now but i do not struggle alone. My husband and me are in this together with God. He called us out of the place we had 'just' planted our feet, the place we called our home, with family and friends and a thriving business...
Why do we choose to complain and feel knocked down when God is closer than before? He is right there and he has not left our side, he remains where he was the day I ran away from home, the day my relationship with my parents changed, but he was also there the day he brought me back to them and the day I chose to surrender my pain and fears and whole life back to him. He remains where he was the day I met Peter at Creation music festival, where he was the day my mother in law passed away, the day Peter proposed to me and the day we stood up there at the altar saying 'I DO'. All the in betweens, all the nows... he is here. Sometimes we let our eyes get glazed over and spend too much time focusing on the busy around us so much so that we fail to see the one who is right beside us, still holding our hands and reminding us he is there and will continue to be through the blessings and through the trials. What God has planned is spectacular and he is working in every situation, regardless of what we 'feel'.
"Through it all, through it all. My eyes are on you. Through it all, through it all, it is well." Bethel Music- It is well