Sitting in my living room feeling so soppy for myself... feeling so 'faded' and alone. I HATE this feeling, I despise this journey of infertility. 17 Months of negative tests...517 days and I am tired of wishing, hoping, waiting. I know many have faced longer years of pain but regardless of how long you have waited... it's exhausting and so disheartening. It can be so hard to keep hoping when theres not even a glimpse of light at the end as far as this goes. No answers, endless failed cycles that feel like they will follow me all of my days. Sometimes I stop and question, what if I never get my own baby? What if I am wasting years of 'trying' when my body just cannot?! Why would God give me this desire and longing for a child of my own?
Sometimes I honestly wish I could just wake up and forget about starting a family, 'move on' and 'accept' everything and get on with my life without wanting more. But I can't just move on... it consumes me everyday.
Sweet hopefully someday baby... we are rooting for you, we are cheering you on, we believe that our God is bigger than all these obstacles and the darkness that surrounds us so much these days. I want you so bad baby M and I will keep reaching for you until you are in my arms.
Bethany Joy xo